How Am I Supposed To Believe When...

Since I was a child I have questioned the existence of this person or spirit called Jesus or God. My bestfriend in high school always asked me to go to church with her and as we moved on to college she even joined a Christian fraternity...I just don't really think God or whoever would want anyone to be tortured in his or her name. But, back to childhood...so, when my mother died and then my grandfather died and the my aunt died...things really got complicated. I just did not understand why I should be praying to this being that took all of my loved ones away. I remember sitting in mass and/or service anywhere from one hour to three hours and focusing on the lion making noises in my stomach or the fact that I wanted to sneeze, but I did not want to interrupt the lady in front of me talking about how fine the pastor was. Now that I think about it, my father was a religious sceptic if you will; he went from being an Athiest to practicing some African religion that believed in giving double hugs to being a Baptist to being dead stuck in the middle somewhere. The thing I can recall for sure is that he always told me to make decisions about religion on my own without the force of others. So...I wouldn't exactly call myself an athiest, because then that would entail a label, but I simply can not praise another person or spirit that walked this Earth just as I have. There is also the little notion that Christianity was once a form of control during slavery in America and other places that colonization took place. Christianity and many other forms of organized religion are STILL utilized to control women and that simply does not work for me. And, it seems that followers of religion are confused...Who is it that you are exactly praising...God, Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, etc. So, how am I expected to believe when there is no proof, there are too many names to remember, and when the same God that loves me will also 'strike me down' for getting a tattoo or considers me worthless and too filthy to sleep in the same room as my significant other..oh, I mean husband...Lord forbid I sleep with a man I'm not married to, just because I bleed once a month. And, it takes more than a passed down script telling me that it is all Eve's fault that I have a period once a month! With all the sarcasm set aside...How is it really possible to believe?