Wow...It has been almost a month since the last time I posted something. Well, here I go again!
Two days ago a man I barely got to know passed away. That man, you could say was my grandfather. He was my stepmother's father, but he also called me his grandchild, like she calls me her child. While emotions regarding death are very minimal to me, I simply thought about how I had just seen him on the 4th of July talking loudly and sitting in his chair. This made me emotional. It seems that every person who passes in my life I use the excuse of "Oh, we were not close enough for me to actually be sad", and I attempt to move on, but his death has sparked memories of the deaths of those that I simply attempted to move on from, but couldn't. From my own mother, my grandfather, my aunt, my stepmother's mother, my grandmother, and finally my grandfather.
So, last night at about 2 a.m. I stayed up pondering why? Why is there a disconnect with EVERYONE in my life. Why do I stay so far away? But, why is it when something disastrous happens I am always bombarded by disbelief and a sense of grief? I partially feel that when my mother passed when I was seven years old, I simply tucked my feelings away in my pocket of life and moved on. I never believed that she was truly dead, instead I felt she was still here somewhere watching me, guiding me, within me. To be honest the other people who passed away I was never close to. But, maybe I failed to be close to prevent another loss. I was afraid of my aunt and my father's father and when he passed I actually dreamed that I was at a funeral and then my father woke me up and told me that my grandfather had passed away. Then when my stepmother's mother passed I remembered crying, but because we were not that close, again, I was not significantly affected by her death. When my grandmother passed it was sort of the same circumstance. I do still often cry over her because I am angry with myself about my failure to grow close to her. And, now my "grandfather"! Wow, you were a feisty person and I LIKED IT! And, while I am sorry that you are not here I know that your memory will live on.
I can no longer embrace these people in a physical fashion, but I can embrace them mentally. And, although I failed to have their backs on numerous occasions, I KNOW they will always have mine. Their souls will be my guides through life. So, now I have not one or two I have SIX angels pushing me through all of life's strife. From my "grandfather" I get my opinionated manner, from my grandmother I get my quest for knowledge, from my "grandmother" I get my grace, from my aunt I get my spirituality, from my grandfather I get my suave-like tastes, and from mother there is nothing to take because we are already one in the same.
So, for those of you who become overwhelmed with grief or sadness after the passing of a loved one, just remember that sometimes a loss transforms into a gain.
4 hours ago